Powerless

Where to start tonight? I’m about to fall asleep, but I promised myself half and hour every night so…

I’m full of nerves and fears tonight. I hate this weather. I hate it for lots of reasons – because it’s miserable and cold, because it is depressing, because it is dangerous, because it makes me feel trapped and powerless and stupid. How can weather make me feel stupid?

Because I’m stressing out about tomorrow. I should’ve just cancelled my appt and got a ride to work. That would have been the easier thing. But this appointment seems so important to me and I hate it when the choice isn’t mine to make. I’m as bad as a little kid. I’m terrified of driving on slippery roads. I’ve been having nightmares for the last several nights about car crashes.

I asked Sofia for advice – what should I do. Should I cancel? “No,” she told me. “Please don’t be a stupid American.” Then she goes on to tell me that I’m a “chicken shit” if I give in to my fear of driving on ice and stay home.

Pretty funny coming from a woman who never even got her driver’s license because she’s afraid of car accidents. But that’s pretty funny too considering she attempted suicide three times. But we all have our fears and her message was true.

It is normal and okay to be scared. You just can’t make yourself a victim and allow your fear to rule you.

Still, she isn’t the one who has to do the driving tomorrow.

I wish she were here to go with me. It would be so much easier if she were here. Together we are unconquerable.

Alone, I’m a stupid girl who cut tonight because she felt helpless and not in control. Because I was tired of the fighting and the name calling in my head. Tonight I craved the calm and the feeling that I could affect something, that I had some power, no mater how slight.

Maybe it’s true that it takes more power to resist than to give in, but that kind of power takes longer to see and a cut is something I can feel tomorrow to give me strength and courage. And I can feel it tonight to keep me calm. I’m supposed to be a grown woman. Why do I still want someone to take care of me? When will I ever grow up? Will I ever become strong? Sofia tells me that I already am, but I don’t feel that way tonight.